Toxic Positivity – The dark side of being always optimistic

Well, if you’re surprised with the word, ‘Toxic Positivity’ then let me assure you that you’re not alone. I have always been loud and clear about having a positive mindset. In fact, most of my poems and quotes depict the brighter side of life. However, there’s also this thing called too much positivity aka ‘Toxic Positivity’.

No, I am not another Negative Nancy and I still support and value having a positive mindset. But we have enforced so much of positivity in our lives that instead of benefiting us, it’s forcing us to follow the trends. Many of us are in our life’s journey seeking truth and happiness but let’s be real.

Life isn’t always sunny, rainbows, or full of unicorns. This whole concept of ‘positive vibes only’ is forcing us to see everything but positive in life.

We may be a glass half full kind of person but being realistic does no harm. Our society has become super obsessed with preaching optimism that it has now become toxic for us. No, it’s not always awesome and life isn’t always full of shine. Let’s accept this!!

In this piece, I’m going to take you on the ride where we shall meet the darker side of being too positive and why you don’t need it.

What does ‘Toxic Positivity’ mean?

According to psychologists, toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

In simple words, toxic positivity is the acceptance of only the positive side of life. Everything negative is bad and if you’re someone who experiences negative emotion, then my dear you totally have some kind of problem.

“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame. – Mark Manson

We as humans deal with multiple emotions and it’s normal to feel sad, depressed though we don’t wish to. Life comes in all colors, negativity is its integral part as much as positive living is. Tough we stress enough on thinking positively, we cannot shut our eyes towards negative experiences.

Being optimistic and realistic is altogether different. There indeed is no harm in being positive or preaching optimism but denying other emotions and slamming ‘being positive’ always can have negative consequences.

When Positive becomes ‘toxic’?

Every time when we forget that we are humans and our feelings are valid though negative, we are encouraging positive toxicity.  People with toxic positive will always make you feel low for being negative or experiencing difficult life situations.

Looking for the brighter side is undoubtedly okay but forgetting that the sky also embraces dark as much as it does the light is where the problem lies. By throwing a sugary way of living life and feeling all-time positive somewhere suppresses human emotions.

We are snatching their right of being authentic and feeling their emotions. These suppressed, hidden emotions erupt as a catastrophe which eventually is impossible to curb.

Signs of toxic positivity

1. Not being your authentic self

When you’re being exposed to excessive optimism, you try to convince yourself that everything is good and glowy. Sometimes, you even fail to honor your emotions and be an authentic self.

2. Ashamed for feeling negative

Duh! Everyone around me is giving so high, how can I feel low and depressed?! This is what toxic positivity makes you feel like. You somehow suppress your negative emotion and carry a sweet, smiley face all around.

3. Not recognizing other’s feelings

When you’re in your own bubble of excessive positivity, you fail at feeling people’s emotions. Sometimes, people suffering from mental illness don’t need your ‘Everything is going to be okay’ advice. What they’re truly seeking is a patient heart and an ear to vent to.

4. Suppressing your own emotions

Feeling your emotions is kind of shameful for you because they’re negative, the harsh truth of your life or something that contradicts with the shiny positive thing. You keep on telling yourself, ‘This is it’ and let go of your feelings. These unrecognized feelings make you unaware of who you actually are.

5. Fail to validate other’s emotions

When someone around you is suffering from some negative life experience, the toxic positivity in you will refrain from validating their emotions. You will constantly be pushing your perspective hard enough to listen to their actual problem.

What excessive optimism or toxic positivity looks like

1. All is well

Now, this may sound really positive but let’s get real. In this time of suffering, you cannot just slam everything with ‘All is well’ kind of attitude. This is you running away from your actual life scenario and masking it with fake positivity.

2. Positive vibes only

I don’t understand why this phrase is super hyped. Life isn’t only about having positive vibes, there are bad vibes too and it’s okay. We are humans and we are allowed to feel all kinds of emotions. Without the darker side, the light can never be appreciated.

3. Everything is going to be alright

And what if it doesn’t? Am I a failure or should I consider myself not enough for not getting it all right? Having a ray of hope that things will get better is different than already believing things are better though they aren’t.

You cannot hide your face like an Ostrich under the desert sand and pretend that there’s no cyclone!! ( Well, toxic positivity does teach us the same)

“What you resist persists. Negative emotions in the body, unacknowledged and unresolved, builds up pressure over time that obstructs normal cell functioning. This can lead to all types of health issues.” – Kei Lam

The ways toxic positivity affects our health

Excessive optimism creates a negative impact on our health. Instead of proudly showing and feeling our emotions, we become pro at hiding them. Here’s how toxic positivity is affecting our mental health:

1. It leads you to suppress your emotions

When you every time fill these thoughts of ‘Everything is alright’ inside your head, you fail to recognize your own emotions. Life comes with all ups and downs, the true way of living your life is to embrace all of its sides.

However, toxic positivity will make you believe that your negative emotions are invalid and you should always remain positive no matter what. This leads to neglecting your emotions as well as suppressing them.

2. Toxic positivity births shame

When you force yourself to have positive outlook during pain, you somehow hide your true emotions during the struggle. You feel ashamed of feeling negative emotions or have bad thoughts.

Related posts – How to heal your inner child and re-parent yourself

Author and researcher Brené Brown teaches in several of her books, presentations, and interviews that the energy source of shame is silence, secrecy, and judgment. In other words, where there is hiding, secrets, and denial, shame is usually in the driver’s seat. 

3. It prevents you to have a healthy relationship

You always have this positive vibes only kind of aura which can be intimidating for the people around you. As a result, they may not always open up their feeling in front of you or may never have some in-depth conversations. This then results in isolation and loneliness which indeed is a crippling feeling. 

4. You lose connection with your own self

When you start suppressing your emotions, you no longer feel authentic. The truth of life is finding who we are, our truest and most authentic form. While this web of toxic positivity will refrain you from being raw and vulnerable which in turn will result in ‘not knowing your own self ‘.

How to overcome ‘Toxic Positivity’ and save yourself from excessive optimism

If you have already recognized that you have already fallen in the trap of a toxic positivity mindset, here’s the good news. You can help yourself and be realistic when you accept these:

1. Accept life as it is

No doubt, being positive during life’s struggle is necessary but also learn that life’s hard at times and things don’t always go as per our wish.

Everyone faces bad days and it’s okay. Life isn’t always sweet and sugary, try to accept all aspects of life and treat them as the experiences that will help you grow into the person you always thought of.

Related post – The best personal growth books I read this year.

These challenges aren’t here to crush you but to make you realize the indomitable strength that runs in your veins.

2. All your emotions are valid

Even if you’re feeling not okay, it’s okay. We are humans and we aren’t only gifted a filter to only feel positive emotions. Everyone has their low days when they feel like everything is going to end but they rise again the next day just as the sun.

Honor your emotions, positive or negative. Suppressing them will result into nothing but a hurricane.

3. Respect and empathize other’s emotions

Refrain from avoiding the deep conversations by telling everything will be okay. Practicing empathy is the most beautiful gift that we humans are blessed with. Empathy means to feel the feelings of others but when you simply slam your toxic positive statements to other’s feelings, you’re actually failing at being empathetic.

Understand their emotions and be compassionate. Giving hope or showing them a ray of silver lining isn’t bad but don’t force them to believe that there’s no dark cloud in their sky.

I really hope that this piece would have spread light on this rare point of toxic positivity. The whole point of practicing toxic positivity is to ignore the elephant in the room, which you can’t.

I would love to know your view on how you practice being realistic and avoid toxic positivity in your life. Do let me know in the comments below.

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